My husband is one of the culprits, but I've had these kinds of conversations with several people lately. Conversations with people who say things like, "Well, at least..." or "Have you thought about going on antidepressants?" or "Maybe it would help if you just tried cleaning the house/showering/exercising/fill-in-the-blank-here-with-something-I-already-feel-guilty-for-not-doing-enough."
Any time I have a conversation like that with someone, it leaves me wanting to scream. And I usually go into my room and cry in my pillow and talk to God and ask Him if I'm crazy, if I should go on antidepressants, if I should just suck it up and fake it till I make it.
And usually, God tells me that as long as I focus on Him, I'm doing exactly what He wants me to do.
In fact, the other night during a conversation with God, He let me know that I was enough. That I'm doing enough, that I'm trying enough, and that I'm handling enough. That was helpful, let me tell you.
And then the next day I had another person tell me something that once again made me feel crazy.
I called my sponsor the other day after one of these crazy-making conversations, and she said something that helped me so very much that I thought I'd share it with you:
"Right now, you are doing the hard stuff. It would be so much easier to go back into denial, pretend this stuff isn't happening, and clean your house, stay busy, and numb yourself until it's over. This is much harder than cleaning your house and putting makeup on would be."
I'm not being lazy. I'm not being dramatic. And I'm NOT crazy. I am a human with human frailties and weaknesses dealing with some pretty intense burdens right now. And for me to focus on the priorities that really, truly matter--well, it means my floor isn't getting mopped for a while, I'll tell you that.
But it does mean that I'm seeking--truly seeking--to do exactly what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, on a daily, hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute basis. And, surprisingly enough, sticky floors aren't nearly as important to Him as they seem to be to other people.
SO true!
ReplyDeleteA friend and I were talking after group last night...about feeling judged by people and she told me something she tells herself when she feels that way. It's something to the affect that "This person is judging me because they are not in a healthy place. I am trying to heal and be healthy. I will not judge them because they are not."
I like that little affirmation.