So Many Voices

I know--I haven't written for a long time.  I'm sure both of the people who read this blog are super broken up about it (insert snarky laugh here).  Fact is, I'm still not at liberty to share the full and complete truth of the struggles I'm dealing with in my marriage and life for the whole Internet to see (even if it is through a semi-anonymous blog that can pretty easily be traced back to me).

That time is coming, and I can feel that it is, but until then, it's hard for me to be truthful and vulnerable without being entirely truthful and vulnerable.  Holding oneself back during a confession is awkward.  It doesn't come naturally for me to write that way, and so it's been easier for me to just do my writing in a place that I know is completely safe and private until I can start sharing more details in a completely open way.

So I've been avoiding you.  Sorry about that.

But tonight, I felt driven to write on here--for the first time in months, I knew I needed to share my voice again.

I've been keeping my voice mainly to myself and a few people who know me in person--which I think is what I needed to do.

But tonight--tonight is about me sharing my voice.

Tonight started out rough.  Let's face it--since last Saturday, when my husband and I had a confrontation that ended up with me feeling completely crazy, there have been a lot of rough nights that have been numbed mainly through lots of ice cream and binge-watching "The Office."

Tonight started out no different--due to a perfect storm of too many panic-inducing influences to even begin to name, all converging on me tonight, I was feeling a LOT of fear and sadness and anger coming up, and it all just kind of took advantage of the fact that I was home alone with a messy house and threatened to completely overwhelm me.

And for a while, I nearly let it.

I stress-cleaned and over-thought and snapped at the kids and took a break to be a good mom and read/pray/sing with the kids before sending them to bed and shamed myself about the dust on my piano and the gunk in my sink and worried about whether my husband was mad at me and then started stress-cleaning again, trying not to panic with the thoughts that were coming towards me with the speed and intensity of so many semi trucks barreling towards me at 115 miles per hour.

I called my sponsor--she didn't answer, but texted back to let me know that she was with family (Duh--I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the country not with family on the night before Thanksgiving), and I felt inspired to text her back and let her know that I was feeling some fear and anxiety, but would work through it on my own.

I was surprised by my own answer--usually when I'm having such a panic attack, I feel drawn to call someone to help me through it, but tonight, I was feeling pulled in a completely different direction.

I have had so many voices in my life lately--Facebook voices, blog voices, family voices, friend voices, support group voices, loud voices, angry voices, quiet voices, shameful voices, peaceful voices, all of them from time to time helping me, hurting me, telling me what to do and what not to do, and while I know that my sponsor and several other members of my support system (including my husband at times), have been inspired of God before, tonight, I could feel Him telling me that He didn't want me listening to any other voices.  He wanted tonight to be about Him and me (and, apparently, you).

So, I let Him know that I wanted to finish cleaning/packing (we have an early morning tomorrow), and He patiently waited until I was done.  Then, after I finally stopped rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off and put down my to-do list, I listened while He spoke to me.

"Do some yoga," He said.  "On your own.  Don't use a video.  I want you listening only to your voice and My voice, not to the voice of an instructor."

So, I slathered myself in my essential oils that help me calm down, turned on a relaxing music station on my phone, and started a yoga workout.

He stopped me.  "Turn off the music.  I want you listening only to your voice and My voice, not the voices of whoever is singing."

So I did.  I turned off the music, took off my glasses so I wouldn't be appalled by the ridiculous amounts of dog hair embedded in my bedroom carpet (being legally blind has its perks), and started moving from pose to pose as I felt my body and my instinct telling me what I needed--Sun Salutation, Warrior Pose, Child's Pose, Happy Baby.

As I did so, I could feel myself calming, my instinct taking over and the voices of fear, guilt, shame, anger, bitterness--quieting in the background as I listened to myself breathing, moving, thinking.

At the end, Heavenly Father told me, "Now.  Be still."

So I was.  I was still, lying in Savasana, on my back, hands open to receive the revelation and knowledge my Heavenly Father wanted to give me, when thoughts started coming to my mind, unbidden and powerful in their truth.

"I am strong.

I am inspired.

I am beautiful.

I am enough.

I am enough!

I AM ENOUGH."

Of all the truths and voices and statements out there, that is the one that I needed to feel, hear, and know and that I feel compelled to share with you.  I am enough.  YOU are enough.  If you're reading this, that's God's number one message for you tonight.

Don't listen to the voices that tell you otherwise--that you need to be thinner, prettier, a better housekeeper/mother/wife/cook/runner/visiting teacher/crafter/seamstress/family historian.

You--as you are--are enough.

And so am I.

So Now What?

Last Wednesday, my dad and mom came over and sat down in our front room, holding hands, and faced my husband and I for a serious talk.
My dad looked me in the eyes as he told me of his most recent behavior--while he hasn't relapsed or acted out with his previous pornography addiction (one I've known about since I was 18), he has been using avoidance behaviors at work, and so he has lost his job--a job that our whole family thought he loved and was remarkably good at, but one that it turns out he hated and avoided through Internet browsing.
Thankfully, he has a new job provided for him, but my parents aren't sure if the salary will be enough for them to pay the mortgage on the home we've had since I was a child, so although there have been many tender mercies, there will still be some pretty steep consequences for his behavior--consequences that will affect the entire family.
My stomach knotted as I watched him and my mom, looking at each other, and then hearing my mother softly cry in the background as my dad said something that struck me incredibly powerfully: "Your mother has always given me her entire self.  She has always let me see the good and the bad both, but because I was so ashamed to let her see what I saw as the worst parts of myself, I always tried to hide things from her, thinking it was because I was trying to become what I wanted to be.  In reality, I hid them because I was afraid. Since this last Sunday, I have decided to be completely and totally honest with her in every way.  I don't want to hide from her anymore."
At that moment, seeing my mom looking up at my dad with so much love and patience, rather than feeling angry with my dad for his irresponsible behavior, I was surprised to find that I was both sad and jealous.
I was jealous of the honesty they had, and I knew that that kind of honesty--that openness, was what I wanted in my own marriage.
And I didn't have it.
Afterwards, I let myself cry for as long as I wanted (I'm trying to learn how to emote rather than hold my feelings down--a habit that's harder than it sounds), and then my husband and I sat down and talked.
Surprisingly enough, we both came away with the same exact perspective--we each felt compassion and respect for my dad, and we both wanted that kind of honesty in our own marriage.  But we did nothing about it that night, and even though I had a few things come to mind that I felt I needed to share with him, I didn't have the courage to tell him out loud just yet.
So, the tension built.
And built.
And built.
We tried to keep things cheerful and positive for the kids, but I could feel the distance growing exponentially, and by Sunday night, when it came time for bed, I couldn't figure out how to sleep--the stranger in bed beside me felt so alien that I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him.  My gut kept screaming at me to get out, to escape, to get away.
So I did--for the first time in my married life, I voluntarily slept separately from my husband.  I grabbed a blanket and a pillow and slept on the couch, and the moment my head hit the pillow, I felt that peaceful feeling that always comes when I follow my instinct and find out that it was the right thing to do.
Sleep then came easily, and when I woke up the next morning, my worried husband was standing over me.
"What did I do?  Why were you sleeping in here?" I could see the hurt in his eyes--sleeping together is usually very important to both of us.
I was still too groggy to try to get into all of the details, so I gave a partial truth: "You were snoring."
He let it slide, still worried, and I felt the tension return immediately.  I had to tell him the truth, but I knew it would be hard with the kids up and awake--it wasn't a good time.
The lie I told wouldn't leave me alone, however.  It kept building and building, until finally, I had to let it all out before I burst.
"I lied." I spat.  I knew I sounded hard, angry, but he kept eye contact, never wavering.  I went on.  "Last night, I didn't sleep with you because I didn't feel close to you.  There's something keeping us apart.  And I can't figure it out.  I'm trying so hard to be honest, to communicate, but I'm being blocked."
I could see the tears welling up in his eyes, which softened my heart and lessened my frustration, just a bit.  I reached across the table and took his hand in mine.  "You are so important to me.  I want to make this work, but right now, I just can't.  And I don't know why."
Just then, Child #2 came in, whining about how Child #1 had taken his favorite superhero toy, and Child #3 followed him with her diaper trailing halfway down her leg, happily hugging her favorite doll.
He blinked the tears back, then squeezed my hand.  "Can we finish this conversation after the kids are down for naps?  I want to talk to you."
I nodded, wiping back my own tears, and we somehow got the kids through lunch and down for naps before we retreated to our room.
We sat down on the bed, where he proceeded to disclose something to me.  Something big--something that he had kept hidden from me since before we were married.
The amazing thing, though, was that I wasn't surprised--even as he began speaking, the Spirit whispered to me, letting me know what was coming, and I immediately had brought to my mind several instances where I had wondered, guessed, thought that perhaps, maybe?  And now that feeling--that inkling--was being validated.
I had known about it all along.
And as the man I loved more than life itself broke down sobbing, telling me something he had never told another living person before, through no virtue of my own, I was filled with complete and overwhelming love.  I LOVED him, perfectly, thoroughly, completely--and I had only compassion for him and relief that he was finally relieving himself of this burden.
I let him talk and cry, I cried with him through his pain, and then--silence.
Peaceful silence.
The truth was out, and it had set him free--to some extent.  Free from the worry that I would hate him for lying to me, free from the fear that I would leave him if I knew, free from the burden of such a secret to bear on his own.
But still not completely free.
We talked for a while longer, I shared all of the things that had come to my mind that I needed to be honest with him about, and then--
"Now what?" I asked.  "Do you want to talk to a counselor?  Our bishop?  Do you want to start recovery?"
"I dunno," he responded.  "It's taken me a full year to get up the courage to tell you.  Give me some time, okay?"
I felt that it was a reasonable request, so I agreed.
I know the anger, the betrayal, the trauma from being lied to for so long will hit me eventually.  I know it will, and I'm trying to be prepared for it--to experience it fully, to acknowledge it, to surrender it to God when it does come.  In the meantime, I'm trying to be patient as I wait for him to continue on the healing process in his own way and time.
For now, I finally know the truth.
But now what?

Control Freak

I've learned that I like being in control.
I like being in control of my emotions, of maintaining my yard, of the choices I make, of how my household is run, of how I feel and think and react to things.
Problem is, I've never been in control--I've only had the illusion of control as I've shoved emotions down through cake and binge TV-watching (curse you, Netflix) and as I've swept, mopped, folded laundry, taught piano lessons, made dinners, and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, all while resenting what was going on inside of me and pretending that I was being Christlike by never (heaven forbid!) actually SAYING what I was feeling.
And then my husband went out of town in February, during the same week that I was scheduled to teach 27 piano lessons, my three children all had a nasty mix of Strep Throat, fevers over 104 degrees, bronchial infections, and ear infections, right after I had to put on a HUGE, incredibly stressful dance for the members of my local community, and I was expected to take care of it all.
And that week was when I lost any sense of control that I might have had.  I pretty much had a complete nervous breakdown, which I'm now grateful for, because it lead me to needing the Twelve Steps.
I've learned about the Steps before, you know--when my husband admitted to me that he'd been struggling with pornography three years ago, I got the pamphlet and like the dutiful returned missionary I was, I studied and took notes.
And then my husband got on antidepressants and felt better, so I felt better, so I stopped with the steps.  I didn't "need" them anymore, because, after all, the problem was "under control."
But this time--it's different.  Six years of me shoving down emotions without ever actually admitting to them or feeling them or letting myself actually say anything about the way I felt when I was left alone to deal with hard things--that's added up.  And I can't pretend to have control anymore.
Step One was incredibly empowering and enlightening to me--Honesty.  Honestly admitting to yourself that your life has become unmanageable, and voluntarily surrendering all control to God... nothing is more empowering than realizing that we aren't MEANT to control it all.  We have Someone who is more than willing to take control of the reins, so long as we quit clinging to them blindly and hand them over to Him.
Last night I was reminded of the need to surrender.  I got myself into a situation where I was told that I would be contributing a specific need to a particular occasion (I was on the judge's panel to cast a local children's production of Annie).  I was told that since I didn't have any children trying out for this play, that I would be an important, unbiased part of the panel, and I went into last night with a definite illusion of the control I would have over the choices made.
However, due to some other judges who had differing opinions from mine, the cast list went out last night, and three of the main leads are the daughters of one of the judges, while another main lead is the daughter of another judge, while yet another lead is the daughter of yet another judge.
So much for being unbiased.
I genuinely felt sick when I got home at 3:00 this morning.  I had tried to defend my personal casting choices, but been outvoted nearly every time, and knowing that my name was going to be on that casting list, showing decisions that weren't mine to make, makes me feel angry, fearful of dealing with upset parents, victimized, betrayed, and a host of other emotions that I realize probably aren't proportionate to the situation I was in.
I thought I would have control over what decisions were made last night, and after the first fifteen minutes of hearing one of the judges trying to convince me why his daughter would be the best Annie, I realized that whatever control I thought I had was definitely an illusion, and I resented that fact.
However, after some good venting to my sponsor and an out-loud, kneeling-down prayer (something I'm trying to do on a daily basis after being in the habit of praying silently for the past many years), not to mention lots of "help-me-surrender-this" prayers as I've gone about my business this morning, I'm feeling better now.
These are good parents who want their children involved in something wonderful.  They are positive, optimistic people, and I genuinely look forward to working with them and their children.  If last night didn't go how I had planned or imagined it going, I can still feel confident about the fact that I didn't tacitly go along with something I disagreed with, and if the cast ended up the way it did, it did so with my full honesty about being uncomfortable with it.  I don't have to victimize myself or vilify the other people involved in this project--all I have to do is surrender, to do my best to ensure that the kids under my stewardship have a good experience, and to know that God will take care of those poor broken-hearted 11-year-old girls who will cry themselves to sleep tonight, and that He has a plan for them that makes whether or not they got the lead role in Annie an incredibly insignificant part of their lives.
And knowing that little fact will help me sleep better at night.

All of Us?

How in the world does Heavenly Father manage to love EVERY single one of his children?
How does he love screwed-up me and my husband the same as he loves the prophet the same as he loves the drug-dealer on the street or Hitler or any other evil, horrible human being who also happens to be a child of God?
How?!?!
The truth is, I don't think our finite minds can begin to comprehend how He manages to have perfect, never ending love for all of His children.
Being a parent has helped me start to understand--in the smallest miniscule way--how perfect and all-encompassing a parent's love for a child can be, as well as how love can be powerful but different for each individual--I don't love my hyperactive, energetic, eager 5-year-old son the exact same way as I love my obedient, easygoing, happy, stubborn 2-year-old daughter, but I love them both beyond comprehension.  That parental bond is a very real and powerful emotion.
Which is a good thing, because otherwise, I think we'd hear of a lot more parents devouring their young.
But the other day, my kind and wise Heavenly Father gave me just a glimpse into how His love works.
I had run a quick trip into Super-Walmart with my slightly self-absorbed seventeen-year-old sister and my three tantrum-throwing toddlers, and as part of the deal, I had stooped to bribery and bought a baker's dozen worth of donuts to feed the children.  We had finally loaded all of the kids in the car, and I was looking forward desperately to a well-earned naptime once we traveled the 30 minutes home, when I happened to glance over towards the bus stop that is on the way out of the parking lot, and noticed a youngish woman sitting on the curb with her face in her hands.
Instantly, the thought came to me: "She needs someone to check on her.  Go do it."
It didn't come again, but because I'm learning to follow thoughts that I know aren't mine, I flipped an extremely dangerous U-turn in the middle of the parking lot while trying to explain to my sister what I was doing (she looked at me as if I was crazy), and put the car in park right next to the woman sitting on the curb. I grabbed a donut with a napkin and climbed out of the car and walked over to her nervously, then tapped her on her tattooed arm.  She looked up, startled, tears still streaming down her face.
"Hey, um--you looked like you were having a hard time, and I thought...would you like a donut?"  I stammered awkwardly, holding the donut out to her.  "I know it won't fix anything, but maybe it'll make you feel a little better?"
She looked at me a little strangely (I don't blame her), then took the donut hesitantly.  "Thanks, I guess."  She began wiping her eyes, embarrassed.
"Is everything okay?  Do you want to talk about it?"  I asked gently, as I sat down on the curb beside her.
Her face crumpled and she began to cry again.  "I can't get my meds!"
I'll admit, my first thought was Oh, crap--I just stopped to help a druggie! 
But I didn't say anything, and she continued to tell me how her insurance company had elected to stop covering her seizure medications--the ones that cost $500 per month--and she didn't know how she could hold down a job or take care of her children without those medications--and how hopeless and scared she felt.
I didn't say anything beyond a murmured "That sounds so hard," or "I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now," because I had absolutely no advice, no solutions--nothing beyond a listening ear to offer. She vented for about five minutes (I had to keep myself from continually glancing over at my car where my hyperactive children were literally licking the windows), and as she began to calm down and get quieter, I had another distinct thought: "She needs to know that her Heavenly Father loves her.  Tell her that."
As she paused for a moment, I patted her knee awkwardly.  "I'm so sorry that things are hard.  And I know it may not feel like it right now, but I want you to know that God loves you, and I know that everything will turn out all right.  He sent me here to tell you that."
She gave me another strange look--I couldn't tell what she might have been thinking--but I knew that my job was done at that moment.  I asked her if I could give her a hug, and she let me, and then I got back in my car and drove away.
I don't know what she got out of that, and I probably will never know in this life what it may have meant to her, but I do know that I once again was reminded that my Heavenly Father knows us each on a more individual and personal basis than we can possibly comprehend.
And He loves us and sends us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.
And that's something to think about, now, isn't it?