My brother and sister-in-law (whom for the sake of this post we will call Simon and Diana) came to visit this last weekend.
Watching them interact was painful--this is the same brother that I called recently, and who disclosed to me that he has a continuing addiction to pornography. Watching her--how hurt she was, how she tried to get him to notice her and the children, how she nitpicked and controlled and got angry--made my heart hurt.
I love my brother. I adore him. But it hurt me to see what a dark place he is in.
BECAUSE OF PORN.
Simon got addicted to pornography when he was a young boy--similar to many other stories you've probably already heard. And he's currently in counseling, which is wonderful...but when I asked him a few weeks ago if he'd been going to Group, doing the steps, or any of the other things that have genuinely helped me, he said, "Well, no--I've not gotten around to that yet."
I was able to drop it when I was on the phone with him--after all, Utah is a long way away from where I live, and it's easy for me to not feel the need to rescue or fix from a distance.
But this past week? Watching him disconnect and ignore and play games on his iPhone while the rest of us were watching our children play together?
I wanted to fix it. I wanted to rescue him. I wanted to help Diana so that she wouldn't have to go through the same thing I've been experiencing with my own husband's disconnect.
So I sat and talked to her at one point, and I brought a manual ("Understanding Pornography," a manual published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is marvelous. If you haven't read it yet, you should), and left a note on it telling them that this book had brought me a lot of hope and hid it in her suitcase (after asking her, of course), and then I realized that I needed to surrender.
Big time.
So I spent the entire weekend praying, pleading, watching, and trying to follow the Spirit.
By Friday afternoon, I was shot. I was exhausted from trying not to step on toes, trying not to judge while feeling judged, and when we were all visiting at my Grandma's house, I got triggered, badly. I ended up walking my kids a block back to my house and driving them home for nap time in tears.
I know God loves Simon. I know God loves Diana, and I know that despite the hurt, despite the pain--they love each other. Truly.
But oh, the pain. It's real.
And I hate the fact that I'm so vulnerable, so weak, so RAW, that just having family in town for what was actually a joyous occasion (my younger sister graduated from High School) completely undid me.
I hate the fact that I'm so emotionally fragile. That I hide in bed from my children every morning until I'm absolutely forced to get up, that I take naps that last for hours every day and STILL feel tired, that the smallest hiccup in my day leaves me in tears. I hate that I still feel resentful about stupid things, and that a comment made in passing by someone can be a trigger that leaves me feeling completely turned around.
So now, I guess I need to relearn how to surrender. Only this time, I have to surrender my brother, his marriage, and his family, rather than my own family and marriage.
Which, I'm learning, is just as hard to do--only in a completely different way.
Surrendering other people over to the Lord has been hard for me too.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with my oldest brother being a drug addict and alcoholic. (he was a member of a skinhead gang) He stole from everyone in our family to feed his addiction. I am also certain that he and probably my other brothers have,had a pornography addiction...although my oldest brother is the one who spent time in rehab, jail, and pshyc wards after attempting suicide multiple times. He's always been the one that everyone is concerned about and trying to "help". This has effected me in multiples ways in my life. At first, I mostly felt shame. Then I felt hate and anger. Then as I learned that my other older brother was into drugs too...and I became determined to be the child that did nothing wrong EVER...because my parents had suffered enough (I had to SAVE them from further pain). As I grew into an adult, I've dealt with fear of my own children falling down dark paths no matter how hard I tried. I prayed and pondered and learned to follow the counsel given my Church leaders to have a strong family. I know my children wont choose the right all the time and that they will do things that break my heart, but I also know that I will have taught them well. THEN I learned about my husbands addiction to pornography. That was one scary roller coaster ride I didn't know I was waiting in line for!!! I did everything that a codependent does...even though I thought I was doing my job as a good wife. I was trying to keep my husband from falling further into his addiction not realizing the damage my destructive behaviors were causing...to our relationship and to MY sanity! BUT...I sought counsel from my bishop, went to counseling (for me...not my marriage) broke the bands of isolation by sharing my story with people I knew I could trust and attended 12 Step group meetings. I no longer counsel with my bishop, I no longer go to a counselor but I have been attending group meetings for over 3 years. Why!? Because i am in continual need of being reminded of how dependent I am on my Savior. I get into situations (mostly when I am having to be around either side of my family) where I feel triggered to worry, judge and stress....but because I go to group, I am constantly reminded that I need to "let go and let God". It is something that I feel blessed to do: to constantly and consistently rely on my Savior. Thank goodness for support groups right!?