Not Enough

The Husband came home yesterday from school and sat with me for a good 45 minutes, talking about his day and listening to me talk about mine.
He read with the kids for at least half an hour before helping me do scriptures, prayer, and drinks before putting them all to bed--a typical nighttime routine that I'm oh-too-used to doing on my own.
He asked me how I was doing, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it as I was bustling about the kitchen, and when I went and grabbed some groceries, he came out to the car without me asking and helped me put everything away--all things that I've literally begged him to do before with little to no response.
He even asked me how I was doing on a scale of 1-10 (we rate our feelings on a scale of 1-10, 1 being hiding in the corner in the fetal position, crying and sucking one's thumb, and 10 being twirling on a mountain top, Julie Andrews style--it's a pretty effective way to check in).
I lied and told him I had been about a 6, even though I'd spent most of the day hovering around a 4 for no good reason, and he acted like he even cared.
Maybe he did.
I don't know.
And yet, when I asked him to make a salad for dinner and he declined, saying that he wanted to work on his school paper that was due the next day, I ended up hiding in the bathroom, crying on the phone to my sponsor.
I have spent a majority of my life feeling unwanted by the people around me.  I even spent a good 5 years of my marriage feeling unwanted by my spouse, and now that things are changing and I'm starting to figure out some of the myriad of issues I have to work through, I'm beginning to realize that I am addicted to attention, to compliments, to physical touch, to loving gestures.
I am a NEEDY wife.
And as I talked through my emotions last night, first to my sponsor and then to my husband, I realized something--just as I will never be enough to save or fix my husband, I can't depend on him to be enough to make me feel loved.
He will never be able to hold my hand enough, listen to me enough, spend enough time with me to make up for the past years of me crying in bed next to him while he slept, completely oblivious to my pain.
He will never be able to undo the trauma I have been going through for the past few years as he ignored or avoided me, so stuck in his own depression and self-loathing.
He will never be able to heal or fix or save or rescue me from the pain I am experiencing.
Because he's not supposed to.
Only HE--the Savior--can do those things for me.  Through a life of situations in which I have been abandoned, there is One Person who has never--and will never--abandon me.
And it is in Him I have to trust.