You're Not Alone

I hate hate HATE feeling alone.

Things that make me feel alone sometimes:

*Being the only person (out of the 6 people who live here) to notice when the dog needs fed or the trash needs taken out.

*Being surrounded by dozens other people but being the only person to change 5 poopy accidents IN A ROW (anyone who has ever had three non-potty-trained children at the same time understands this).

*Having a husband who works nights and sleeps during the day, or who is gone the majority of the time.

*Not being allowed to talk to anyone about my husband's main disclosures (although I've set a date for him to meet with a counselor about his issues--if he doesn't meet that date, I'm going by myself.  One more week 'till I can TALK about this with someone).

Obviously, this last one is the most significant cause of these feelings of isolation--the rest are all symptomatic, and when I'm doing well and feeling strong and happy, I happily feed the dog, change diapers, and do all of the mundane tasks that trigger me to the point of total panic when I'm not doing well or feeling strong and happy.

Before my husband's disclosure, before I knew just what was going on, before I had even started Recovery, I was having a very alone night.  Husband was off in LA for a school trip, I was home with three very sick kids, and I was unsuccessfully trying to turn my brain off so I could go to sleep.  I decided to read my dear friend's blog (you should read it.  You'll thank me), and suddenly, through her words, I started to think things like, "She's felt this way before?" and "That's exactly how I feel!"

And I started to feel not quite so alone--as if there were people elsewhere who had been through what I had been through and who had felt the same way I was feeling.

The other day, my brother called me and was complimenting me on my latest funny blog post on my family blog.  "I'm glad you're posting funny things again," he said--"For a while there, you were posting a lot of deeper, more serious stuff, and it was getting really hard to read.  I like the funny stuff better."

While I appreciated my brother's well-meaning comment, it stung a little to think that he didn't want to hear the dark stuff....the things that I try to write in the name of being "real" on my other blog (and believe me, that stuff is still highly filtered compared to this blog).  It once again made me feel alone--as though no one wanted to hear about my issues or my problems.  I began to worry that people wouldn't like what I have to write, and even began to second guess whether or not I should share these things at all.

So, I avoided this blog for a little while, focusing instead on writing my bright, shiny, happy things on my other blog, and sticking to expressing myself in my prayers and in my journal.

But you know what?  I am sharing my experience in hopes that I can do for someone else what my friend's blog did for me.  And whether or not it is fun or entertaining, what I am writing is the truth of what I have experienced and what I am trying to learn from it.

So, if you've ever felt angry or alone or hurt or betrayed, just know--you're not alone.  

And sometimes, that's all I need to hear.  How about you?