Alone

I am so tired of being tired.

I feel tired ALL the time.  When I went to the doctor a while back with symptoms of some heart problems, a part of me (that wasn't quite as little as it should have been, perhaps) hoped that he'd let me know that I had a Serious Condition--one that either required surgery or lots of sleeping and laying down in bed, just so I'd have an excuse to sleep all the time and not have to do anything hard.

Even still, every time it comes up to that Time of the Month, I secretly sorta kinda wish that I might be pregnant; not that having a baby would be a good thing right now (I personally think it would be better to bring a baby into a healthy marriage to a healthy momma, something I don't feel that I am right now), but just so that I would have morning sickness as an excuse to feel miserable and not do anything extra.

I hate the fact that I'm so unmotivated.  I'm usually an incredibly motivated person--heck, I ran a marathon, for crying out loud!--but that part of me seems to have shriveled up and died, perhaps surviving just enough to feebly surface long enough for me to start a project or two, but then diving back down into the depths of despair in time to leave me with half-finished projects lying around the cluttered, messy house, while my neglected children run around with unwashed faces and half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches clenched in their fists.

I want to feel energetic.  I want to wake up and feel ready for the day.  I want to do yoga, to run, to go on walks and do fun activities with my kids (although in my defense, I did teach them how to play hopscotch this morning), I want to feel proud of my clean house and folded laundry when it happens, rather than resentful of the fact that I have to clean it at all.  I want to stop escaping into Facebook, email, and my husband's iPad because I just don't have the energy to think about things. 

I've been trying to reach out--I really have.  And that's why I'm on here, because even if there is only one other person in the entire world reading it, at least I'm reaching out.

But I still feel SO Alone.

And I don't have the energy to change that feeling right now, so I'm just going to wallow in my Aloneness for a little bit, take a nap, and then see if I have the energy to reach out in a more productive way than sharing my whining thoughts on the Internet for everyone to see.