This week was my very first time attending Group. It was hard to go, and quite frankly, I didn't expect to get all that much out of it; we read from the pamphlet together (we were on Step 9--I've been struggling to even start Step 4), and although I tried to keep an open mind to what I was learning, I kind of categorized it in the "stuff I don't need to worry about 'till later" slot in my Recovery progression.
Then last night, as I was driving home from a youth activity, it hit me: "You need to apologize to your brother." I was shocked--I hadn't thought about the damage I had done to him for years; although he and I had a tumultuous and complicated childhood, once I had learned about his struggles in Junior High (including a suicide attempt and pornography addiction), I had tried to become a better and more loving sister to him, and I had felt that I had done enough to where my childish manipulations had been forgiven and redeemed.
Apparently not.
So today, with shaking hands, I called my younger brother.
"Hey, Sis!" He answered. "What's goin' on?"
Shakily, my voice quavering, I let him know that I've been going through a rough time and have started the 12 Step program, and that I had the distinct impression that I needed to call and make reparations to him for the wrongs I had done him, and then I apologized.
"I am so sorry for not being the kind of sister you deserve all those years."
He was surprised, but compassionate.
"That's okay, Sis--to be honest, I feel as though you're the closest of all my siblings, and every time we come to visit, you and your husband are the ones I get most excited about seeing!"
We continued talking for a while--he asked about the hard times I've been going through, and then let me know that he is still struggling with his own pornography addiction (something I had assumed from behaviors I'd seen), and we both expressed love and respect for each other, and that was it.
This stuff is hard. And sometimes I have no idea why I'm doing it.
But I'm still glad I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment