Distractions

Tonight, as I sat after dinner, pounding away on the piano and trying to do something--anything--to kill time/keep my mind occupied, my 5-year-old came and laid his hand on my arm.

"Mom, I think it's time you should come play with us."  He said it softly, kindly, without the whiny tone that usually accompanies this kind of request, and for once, I actually listened to my child.  I didn't finish my song, I didn't shrug him off--I listened and followed him.

We ended up turning off all the lights in the house, taking a lit candle into the kids' room, and telling funny stories--some true, some not, but with just the four of us, all gathered around our mini campfire and listening.

It was wonderful.  After the kids went to bed (amazingly easily and early for this lot), I started getting busy--distracted--again.  I found myself checking my phone far too often, I did the dishes, I painted a shelf, I watched some TV (although I chose some uplifting shows rather than the often-inappropriate shows I tend to choose when wanting to numb myself), and then, after exhausting every other numbing technique I usually use, I finally decided to get out my 12-Steps pamphlet.

I've been stuck on Step 9--making amends--for a while now.  I had a hard time finding the difference between making amends and going back into doormat mode, which was hard for me.  For so long, I've allowed myself to be treated like a doormat by people in my life because I thought it was the "charitable" thing to do, and so going to people and finding ways to make amends for ways I might have harmed them was hard for me to do without automatically going to guilt mode.  By the time I finished with all the amends needed on my very-long list, I was so emotionally and spiritually spent that I just decided to stay away from the 12 Steps for a while and focus instead on just the absolute, bare-bones basics of my spiritual survival.

It was just too hard for a while.  Recovery, group, all of it--was TOO HARD.  And so I went into survival mode, where I just depended on God alone, with only the scriptures and prayer to keep me close to him....spiritual crackers and water.

It's been a few weeks now since I've read Recovery, and I've been feeling for a couple of days now that I needed to open my pamphlet again--that I would be ready for it and blessed if I did.  So, after all the stalling techniques that I mentioned, when I finally started studying about and working on Step 10--oh, it was like a breath of fresh air.  As I read the questions in Step 10 asking about being present and staying accountable, my mind flew to tonight's experience.

As humans, we don't want to feel pain.  It's a natural survival instinct to want to numb pain, and for me, oh, the past few months have been nothing but pain.  And so naturally, I've taken to numbing that pain.  Facebook, emails, TV, reading blogs, staying busybusybusy, EATING--these have all been techniques I've found myself turning to, sometimes unwillingly, but always turning to.  And this has given me so very much compassion for addicts whose addictions aren't the kind that allow you to stay temple-worthy...as I look at the clock in disgust after realizing that I've wasted hours on Facebook when I should have been sleeping...I understand the shame that comes from that.

And so tonight--tonight is a fresh start yet again.  Tonight, I went without distractions for a couple of hours with my children, and those two hours were blissful.  The ability to be present is a gift, and I hope to seek that gift more often as I once again recommit to being accountable, being present, and being thankful for progress rather than shaming myself over imperfection.

Step 9: Relationships are Complicated

This week was my very first time attending Group.  It was hard to go, and quite frankly, I didn't expect to get all that much out of it; we read from the pamphlet together (we were on Step 9--I've been struggling to even start Step 4), and although I tried to keep an open mind to what I was learning, I kind of categorized it in the "stuff I don't need to worry about 'till later" slot in my Recovery progression.
Then last night, as I was driving home from a youth activity, it hit me: "You need to apologize to your brother."  I was shocked--I hadn't thought about the damage I had done to him for years; although he and I had a tumultuous and complicated childhood, once I had learned about his struggles in Junior High (including a suicide attempt and pornography addiction), I had tried to become a better and more loving sister to him, and I had felt that I had done enough to where my childish manipulations had been forgiven and redeemed.
Apparently not.
So today, with shaking hands, I called my younger brother.
"Hey, Sis!" He answered.  "What's goin' on?"
Shakily, my voice quavering, I let him know that I've been going through a rough time and have started the 12 Step program, and that I had the distinct impression that I needed to call and make reparations to him for the wrongs I had done him, and then I apologized.
"I am so sorry for not being the kind of sister you deserve all those years."
He was surprised, but compassionate.
"That's okay, Sis--to be honest, I feel as though you're the closest of all my siblings, and every time we come to visit, you and your husband are the ones I get most excited about seeing!"
We continued talking for a while--he asked about the hard times I've been going through, and then let me know that he is still struggling with his own pornography addiction (something I had assumed from behaviors I'd seen), and we both expressed love and respect for each other, and that was it.
This stuff is hard.  And sometimes I have no idea why I'm doing it.
But I'm still glad I am.