Distractions

Tonight, as I sat after dinner, pounding away on the piano and trying to do something--anything--to kill time/keep my mind occupied, my 5-year-old came and laid his hand on my arm.

"Mom, I think it's time you should come play with us."  He said it softly, kindly, without the whiny tone that usually accompanies this kind of request, and for once, I actually listened to my child.  I didn't finish my song, I didn't shrug him off--I listened and followed him.

We ended up turning off all the lights in the house, taking a lit candle into the kids' room, and telling funny stories--some true, some not, but with just the four of us, all gathered around our mini campfire and listening.

It was wonderful.  After the kids went to bed (amazingly easily and early for this lot), I started getting busy--distracted--again.  I found myself checking my phone far too often, I did the dishes, I painted a shelf, I watched some TV (although I chose some uplifting shows rather than the often-inappropriate shows I tend to choose when wanting to numb myself), and then, after exhausting every other numbing technique I usually use, I finally decided to get out my 12-Steps pamphlet.

I've been stuck on Step 9--making amends--for a while now.  I had a hard time finding the difference between making amends and going back into doormat mode, which was hard for me.  For so long, I've allowed myself to be treated like a doormat by people in my life because I thought it was the "charitable" thing to do, and so going to people and finding ways to make amends for ways I might have harmed them was hard for me to do without automatically going to guilt mode.  By the time I finished with all the amends needed on my very-long list, I was so emotionally and spiritually spent that I just decided to stay away from the 12 Steps for a while and focus instead on just the absolute, bare-bones basics of my spiritual survival.

It was just too hard for a while.  Recovery, group, all of it--was TOO HARD.  And so I went into survival mode, where I just depended on God alone, with only the scriptures and prayer to keep me close to him....spiritual crackers and water.

It's been a few weeks now since I've read Recovery, and I've been feeling for a couple of days now that I needed to open my pamphlet again--that I would be ready for it and blessed if I did.  So, after all the stalling techniques that I mentioned, when I finally started studying about and working on Step 10--oh, it was like a breath of fresh air.  As I read the questions in Step 10 asking about being present and staying accountable, my mind flew to tonight's experience.

As humans, we don't want to feel pain.  It's a natural survival instinct to want to numb pain, and for me, oh, the past few months have been nothing but pain.  And so naturally, I've taken to numbing that pain.  Facebook, emails, TV, reading blogs, staying busybusybusy, EATING--these have all been techniques I've found myself turning to, sometimes unwillingly, but always turning to.  And this has given me so very much compassion for addicts whose addictions aren't the kind that allow you to stay temple-worthy...as I look at the clock in disgust after realizing that I've wasted hours on Facebook when I should have been sleeping...I understand the shame that comes from that.

And so tonight--tonight is a fresh start yet again.  Tonight, I went without distractions for a couple of hours with my children, and those two hours were blissful.  The ability to be present is a gift, and I hope to seek that gift more often as I once again recommit to being accountable, being present, and being thankful for progress rather than shaming myself over imperfection.

Alone

I am so tired of being tired.

I feel tired ALL the time.  When I went to the doctor a while back with symptoms of some heart problems, a part of me (that wasn't quite as little as it should have been, perhaps) hoped that he'd let me know that I had a Serious Condition--one that either required surgery or lots of sleeping and laying down in bed, just so I'd have an excuse to sleep all the time and not have to do anything hard.

Even still, every time it comes up to that Time of the Month, I secretly sorta kinda wish that I might be pregnant; not that having a baby would be a good thing right now (I personally think it would be better to bring a baby into a healthy marriage to a healthy momma, something I don't feel that I am right now), but just so that I would have morning sickness as an excuse to feel miserable and not do anything extra.

I hate the fact that I'm so unmotivated.  I'm usually an incredibly motivated person--heck, I ran a marathon, for crying out loud!--but that part of me seems to have shriveled up and died, perhaps surviving just enough to feebly surface long enough for me to start a project or two, but then diving back down into the depths of despair in time to leave me with half-finished projects lying around the cluttered, messy house, while my neglected children run around with unwashed faces and half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches clenched in their fists.

I want to feel energetic.  I want to wake up and feel ready for the day.  I want to do yoga, to run, to go on walks and do fun activities with my kids (although in my defense, I did teach them how to play hopscotch this morning), I want to feel proud of my clean house and folded laundry when it happens, rather than resentful of the fact that I have to clean it at all.  I want to stop escaping into Facebook, email, and my husband's iPad because I just don't have the energy to think about things. 

I've been trying to reach out--I really have.  And that's why I'm on here, because even if there is only one other person in the entire world reading it, at least I'm reaching out.

But I still feel SO Alone.

And I don't have the energy to change that feeling right now, so I'm just going to wallow in my Aloneness for a little bit, take a nap, and then see if I have the energy to reach out in a more productive way than sharing my whining thoughts on the Internet for everyone to see.